The Memories of a Dying Man
by Ligerlilly
Summary: SPOILERS FOR INTO DARKNESS As Kirk sacrifices his life to save the USS Enterprise, he has flashbacks of his past and moments that defined him. One Shot.


**The Memories of a Dying Man**

One-Shot

SPOILERS FOR INTO DARKNESS

Thump. With a swift movement on an unsuspecting, trusting target, Kirk knocked out his engineer and caught him before he crashed to the ground.

Carefully, but not too carefully to slow him down too much, Kirk lowered his friend into a desk chair and activated the emergency system built within, producing a safety harness.

After strapping Scottie in so his unconscious body would not fall into harm's way in the unstable gravity changes of a once proud ship, Kirk stood in front of the glass door holding back the radiation, enjoying his last moment of untainted air.

As he pulled the lever to open the door, he looked back at Scotty, a friend of a short time yet one of the closest friends he has ever had, and one of the reasons he was about to do what he was about to do, gave Kirk last minute strength to step through the door once it opened.

The first small section was cut off from the main chamber of the warp reactor, yet the radiation energy hummed through the sealed circle door. Kirk entered the code to unlock it with haste and tensed. It did nothing to prepare him.

The radiation hit him at once, like the hot wind from a thousand degree oven. It was overwhelming.

Suddenly, Kirk was no longer on the enterprise.

_In the middle of a wheat field, miles from the nearest building of habitation, a young blonde boy lay on his back, staring up at the cloudless blue sky._

_The sun was high and bright, burning down onto the landscape below. It was the middle of summer, and the temperature was barely below the triple digits. The young Jim could feel the beginnings of a sunburn working its way into his skin, but he didn't care._

_Right now he felt warm and calm._

_With just the right amount of determination, he was sure that he'd be able to see the stars and the worlds above him, despite the fact that it was the middle of the day._

_Born in space, Jim wanted nothing more then to be there now._

_To be anywhere but here._

_Earth. Iowa. Home._

_Home by definition, not by feeling. _

_He was not out here just to fruitlessly stargaze. He was hiding._

With a shudder of the hull, Kirk came back to himself, and found himself laying face down on the chamber floor.

Every part of him screamed out with pain, but it didn't matter. With a rush of fear, he realized he didn't remember closing the radiation door. Quickly swiveling around, he saw that the door had closed automatically. It now separated him from the world outside.

There was no going back now.

Seeing that his friend was still out cold, Kirk turned his back to him and began his journey down the tunnel that led to the main chamber.

He had to crawl. The tunnel was cramped.

Partway through the tunnel the gravity began failing again and Kirk could feel the ship groan as everything was pulled by the tress of Earth's gravity.

The tunnel began to spin and he struggled to steady himself and keep his progress moving forward. For a moment he failed and he toppled helplessly into the tunnel wall with a jolt of pain.

_A teenage Jim crashed into the ground after receiving a good punch in the jaw. This was not the time to be admiring a good punch, though. His opponent was not worth shit. _

_Jim got up and lunged himself at the man again, hungry to beat the shit out of him. The man did no expect such a quick recovery from Jim, but Jim had a way of surpassing all expectations._

_He managed to knock that bastard off balance and they landed on the ground with a smack. Jim having the advantage of strength, pinned the bastard down and began punching the shit out of him._

_He was not looking to finish it quickly, but to inflict as much pain as possible._

_A moment of hesitation too long between swings left an opening and the bastard managed to push him off and knee Jim in the stomach. Briefly incapacitated, Jim could stop the shit from standing up and kicking him. _

_Luckily the aim wasn't for his face, which was already bloodied and bruised from earlier punches, but instead for his chest. Jim heard a rib crack, and bit back the need to vocalize it to prevent giving him any satisfaction. _

_His mistake was trying to kick again. Jim was ready this time, and grabbed his foot, twisting it so the bastard had no choice but to turn with it and fall. Jim released the foot and watched the bastard scramble to regain his footing and then run away, screaming threat to press charges. _

_Good riddance. _

"_I'm so sorry!" cried out a girl who had been standing horrified against a wall for the full duration of the fight. She now ran to Jim's side to help him up, but he waved her off, propping himself up with no problem._

_Well a little, but a lady was present, so he'd never say or show anything. _

"_Are you hurt?" She asked, surveying his wounds. "Badly?" she added._

"_No, I'll be fine. I've had worse then this. Trust me." _

_He was not lying._

"_You can't tell anyone. Please. You can't tell anyone what he tried to do. If anyone knew…"_

_Her reputation would be ruined._

_It might sound like a shallow reason, but here in a small town it meant a lot. Especially if you were running for student body president and were captain of the debate team, which was set to win state, all of which would go to helping you get into a good university so you could get out of this town in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. She ran the risk of getting ostracized and excluded for something that was not her fault._

"_I won't. Tell anyone, that is. Just stay away from him. And if he ever tries to touch you again…"_

_Jim's voice was low and his expression darkened._

"_I'll stay away. But people are going to notice you two are messed up. They are going to ask questions! He's going to tell!"_

"_I'll tell them I started the fight, unprovoked, before he has a chance to open his goddamn mouth."_

"_Why would you do that? You'll get in trouble."_

"_I don't mind." What's another mark on his record?_

The artificial gravity kicked back in and Kirk once again toppled uncontrollably around the tunnel, until the change settled, and he was left with nothing but the shudders of the straining ship.

The more time he spent in here, the worse the pain got. He could feel himself cooking from the inside out.

He advanced into the main chamber and looked up.

In the center of the chamber, towering above him, the heart of the warp core was broken. Where a steady stream of energy should have been was just empty space, between the top and bottom portions of the reactor.

Kirk was no engineer. He couldn't be delicate, he had to act fast.

Climbing his way to the heart of the warp core, he burned his hands on the large coils and panels he had to grip.

Ignoring the pain, Kirk climbed. He climbed and climbed and climbed until; at last he made it to the very center.

The core appeared to be jammed.

Though he was no engineer, he did read every book in the Starfleet academy library about starship engineers. A finer and more thorough fix could be done later. What he needed now was to get the energy streaming again, and a hard hit to the device might just do it. It had to do it.

Grabbing the top portion above him, he began kicking down the jammed device.

Thump.

He was eight. His mother stood in the kitchen, sorting through the messages on her personal pad and checking the news updates. Jim had just gotten back from school, which involved a mile hike to the house from the nearest school bus stop.

_Today had been a good day at school. He had aced the vocabulary test and the math test with ease. His teacher praised him greatly. He had with him a note from the teacher, one that encouraged his mom to transfer him to the advanced school. It was further away and had a sizable tuition, but with his mom's permission he could apply for a scholarship, that he was sure to get._

_But his mother… _

"_Mom. I need to talk to you."_

"_James, not now." _

"_Mom, it's important. It's about school."_

"_Are you in trouble again? Really, James, if you could just…"_

"_No, Mom, I'm not in trouble. Actually, I…"_

"_I can't deal with this now, James. Please. Go to your room."_

"_.. Yes mother."_

_It was a lost cause._

_His mother couldn't stand the sight of him. She blamed him for his father's death. If she hadn't gone into labor, she may have been able to convince his father to evacuate. Or at least that is what he thought she thought. It didn't matter. She never seemed to like him. She tried to distance herself from him, put him down so she didn't have to think about him. Married a new man, started a new life, tried to escape the past, but was stuck with Jim, a reminder of the man she loved and lost._

_If she couldn't acknowledge him when he did well, he'd have to acknowledge himself._

Thump.

"_Jim. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" His mother sobbed. _

_She held him tight and buried her face into his shoulder. Jim was rigid. He hated it when his mother acted like this._

_She was his mother and he loved her._

_When she wasn't aloof or angry towards him, she was filled with grief. She realized how cruel she was being and still couldn't look at Jim with out thinking of his father._

"_I'm a bad mother!" She cried out._

_Jim wanted to comfort her. But an embrace would only temporary satiate her. _

_The best way to make her not sad anymore was to keep her from being sad._

_He's rather have her be angry at him._

_That is why he planned to steal his step-father's car tomorrow when she was off planet. He would try to get in as much trouble as possible, so she would be furious. _

Thump.

_His mother was still off planet, but his messages were full of angry threats from her._

_Sadly, Frank, his step dad was still on planet, and he was left alone to his mercy. _

_The car had been what the man loved most, besides beer (and possibly his mother). He never liked Jim, and saw it justified to beat Jim when he felt provoked._

_Destroying the car was a big provocation. _

_Jim broke his arm in the beating. It was blamed on him jumping out of the car just before it went over the edge. _

Thump.

_Sulu had fallen of the drill. Without a moment's hesitation Jim jumped after him._

_He maneuvered through the air to catch up to the fallen officer and grabbed onto him with a slam. He had planned for them to share a shoot, but once activated the shoot couldn't hold them both. It broke off and left them free-falling. Up a creek without a paddle._

_At this point many men might regret the act of heroism that caused them to jump and risk their lives for a man they hardly knew, but Jim felt not regret._

_It was what was right._

Thump.

"_Do you know what a pain you are? You think the rules don't apply to you. There's greatness in you, but there's not an ounce of humility. You think that you can't make mistakes, but there's going to come a moment when you realize you're wrong about that, and you're going to get yourself and everyone under your command killed."_

_Pike's words stung, and his expression was full of disappointment. Kirk never felt more ashamed in his whole life._

Thump.

The energy suddenly flared up. The power blasted Kirk away, flinging him like a doll through the chamber where he landed on the floor with a crash.

"_You of all people should know: a captain can not cheat death."_

Everything went black.

…

…..

….

"_What are we gonna name him?"_

That voice… It was familiar yet he couldn't place it…

"_Let's call him Jim."_

With a jolt, Kirk opened his eyes. He was on the floor of the warp core chamber. The energy was now flowing again. The burning sensation was suffocating. He tried to move but couldn't get his body to respond.

It hurt. It hurt so badly.

He was going to die.

He was going to die here alone.

"_No you are not."_

That voice. It was his. No… it was his dad's.

"_Get up, son."_

He couldn't.

"_Get up."_

He was going to die alone.

"_Get up, Jim. You can do it."_

His body moved, almost automatically. He got up. He located the entrance to the tunnel. He made his way to it.

He created a rhythm. One to keep him going. Arm, foot, arm, foot. One after the other.

He went slowly, but he went.

"_Just a little further, son."_

Yes dad.

He was almost at the end of the tunnel. It hurt so much… he wasn't going to be able to make it.

"_I believe in you. You are my son."_

He was in the smaller chamber. He could see Scottie rousing through the glass.

As soon as Scottie saw him on the other side of the glass, he knew.

As Kirk crawled his way closer to the door, Scottie talked into his communicator, his expression grim.

When he was done, he went to the glass and looked down on Jim.

"You stupid idiot."

"Is the ship saved?"

"Yes."

Kirk wanted to keep talking. To provide a joke to lighten the mood, but it was too hard to speak.

Sleep. He really wanted to sleep now. The darkness was closing in on him, but something in him told him to wait just a little longer.

Curled at the foot of the door, he waited. He didn't have to wait long, for soon Spock appeared. He was running. He looked worried.

Shit. He really was going to die.

… But he didn't have to die alone.

Things went fuzzy. Jim felt overwhelming, choking fear. A fear of death he had always suppressed before but now could do nothing to control.

"I'm scared, Spock... help me not to be... how do you choose not to feel?"

"I do not know. Right now, I am failing."

_No, stay strong, Spock. If you can't, how can I?_

He had to tell him. He had to tell him the truth…

"I wanted you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you..."

Spock interrupted him.

"Because you are my friend."

"_I have been, and always shall be your friend"_

Kik couldn't reply. Words officially failed him. Spock was right… but Spock was more then just his friend. He was more…

Spock pressed his hand against the glass, as if to touch him.

If they hadn't been separated by glass, Kirk believes he actually would have.

Kirk raised his hand to meet Spock's, and with the last of his energy, matched his finger up to Spock's.

Then everything went dark for the last time.


End file.
